Battered for a Hilt

8 Jan

So, the battered hilt drops…

Everyone just sort of stands there stunned, the reality of seeing something so potentially epic, so rare, being looted off a random piece of trash in Heroic Pit of Saron is disconcerting.  Vent is dead quiet.

Everyone wants it.


They all know it too.

No one speaks for a bit – they’re each picturing themselves standing outside the Dalaran Bank with Quel’Delar, glimmering, in their hand.  In their hand.

But these lucky 5 are all guildies – all boon companions who have tasted Onyxia’s flames together, have spent countless hours questing with each other, the bestest of friends, forever and ever and ever.

And right at that moment – with the hilt hovering so seductively – the “need” dice so close to mouse-tip, they quail and damn their humanity.  How thin it is, how gossamer thin the veil truly is between a common every day gamer and a crazed ninja looting hate fish.

“Won’t some meteor fall from the sky and strike these four other noobs from the server?  For I am but the one that should truly wield so mighty a blade!”

Greed and lust war with common sense and friendship.  Everyone wants the hilt, but no one, no one speaks.

“What are we going to do?” says the Worlds Worst Tank.

“You guys should take it,” says the Passable Shaman Healer, while hoping against hope someone simply offers her the hilt.

“No, no that’s not right.  We should all just roll,” says the PHD Candidate Who Plays a Death Knight.  “We all want it we should all just need it and let the chips fall.”

Hands hover closer to the “need” dice…But no one clicks.

“What…what if we bid on it?”  Says the World’s Worst Tank.

“Bid? LoL Wut?” quoth the rest.

“What if we bid on it.  Bid gold.  Whoever bids the most wins and everyone else splits the money,” said the Awful Tank.

There’s crackling over vent as the Enlightened IT guy Who Plays a Mage gargles his microphone – again.  Feedback and static crease the channel.

“Sounds good to me,” he rasps and promptly swallows his mic.

So the five friends, the Worlds Worst Tank, the Passable Shaman Healer, The Mic Gargling Mage, the PhD Death Knight, and the new guy that doesn’t like to use vent but plays a mean fury warrior all agree.  They’ll bid on the hilt.

Each tentatively puts out a low ball offer that is trumped and doubled by the next.  Numbers scroll by in party chat, 500G, 1000G, 2500G, then more…Epic mount training funds for alts are squandered, trust funds for gyrocopters and mechanohogs are emptied.  They each bleed gold, emptying their coffers, beggaring their alts.

In the end the World’s Worst Tank wins.  He clicks the dice…*need*…..The souls of the other four players wilt but a little as they cancel their roll….*pass*.

And the World’s Worst Tank is triumphant!  He is on top of the WORLD!

Excelsior! The battered hilt is his!

He accepts the accolades in guild chat as are his due….

“Thank you, thank you, I’ve always wanted one, yes.  I couldn’t have done it without you.”

The five friends finish the instance and though four are still stinging from the loss, they offer to help the Worst Tank in his quest to reforge the legendary blade.

“No, no that’s okay.  Not tonight, it’s late.”

They zone from the instance and go on about their lives.  One with the hilt and four who can at least claim to have seen one.  Good to his word, the Worst Tank empties his bank and through the mail sends each of his boon companions their cut of his masterly bid.

Then very quietly and with no hint of remorse, The World’s Worst Tank portals to Ogrimmar, he rides to the Auction House and scans through its content.  Hmmm.

Create Auction…Battered Hilt…

20,000 Gold Buy Out.

He logs for the night…and wakes up the next morning 20,000 gold richer.  Minus the auction house cut and the money he paid out to win the bid, the Worst Tank has still come out some 13,000 gold on the plus side.

And we all…all…want to kill him.


9 Responses to “Battered for a Hilt”

  1. Haitia January 8, 2010 at 23:45 #


    I think I would have reached through the computer screen and beat him to death with his keyboard.

  2. Negathle January 9, 2010 at 02:40 #

    I’m pretty sure that’s acceptable grounds for manslaughter.

  3. Capn John January 10, 2010 at 07:34 #

    Well of course you all want to kill him. If it sold overnight he clearly could have got more for it than a mere 20K.

  4. Morane January 11, 2010 at 17:40 #

    Are you telling me that the top bid in your group was less than 7K?!?

  5. Windpaw January 11, 2010 at 18:40 #

    Those who tend to alt as much as we do – tend also to be quite *poor*

  6. Nora January 13, 2010 at 14:04 #

    Amen on the alt comment.

    Otherwise – *ouch*. In a PuG, you kind of expect it, but it’s a really crummy thing for a guildmate to do. 😦 Certainly lesson learned for me – if the hilt drops, no matter what, everyone just rolls need! (Though I’ve never seen it drop, so…)

  7. bettys January 31, 2010 at 03:17 #

    I wanted to thank you for this great blog!! I definitely enjoying every little bit of it I have you bookmarked to check out new stuff you post.

  8. Echo February 1, 2010 at 12:40 #

    It always amuses me how petty some people can be with loot. I’ve had people move me in pug raid groups to win raid rolls, claim items are better for other specs and roll on items they dont need to pass for their friends. On my alts on other servers there’s nothing I can do really other than kick up a bit of a fuss so people leave the raid then pop a message in trade.

    On my main server its a whole different story. I get petty, and will go to war for any percieved injustice. I had someone “missloot” an item to their own guildie in OS when I had won the roll(the sp trinket) on my ele shaman. They refused to trade the item saying something along the lines of “I dont care its an upgrade for me, sucks to be you”

    I organise a lot of pug runs and my pugs were at that time fairly well known on the server. I simply applied some leverage and barred all their guildies from any of my pug raids, told gchat to avoid all of their guild like the plague and within a day I’d had the item sent to me. I’ve done the same on 2 other occasions for other players, 1 gave the item back – the other got kicked from his guild. I’d like to think it at least made him think twice about being such an asshat.

    Ok so maybe I sunk as low as him, but at least in my eyes the end justified the means. 🙂


  1. Battered for a Hilt « Shock and Paw | Wisdom Lovers - January 9, 2010

    […] View full post on Google Alerts – shamanism […]

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