This is PvP?

15 Jan

hbss1Dramatis Personae – (names and levels changed to protect the ass-hats)

Zeb: Level 80  something Dwarf Hunter – With a  BIG GUN…
Turns Ons: Cheap Beer, Naked Mailbox Dancers in Ironforge, and pWning Noobs
Turn Offs: Fighting anyone within 40 levels of his own…

Clevis: Level 80 something Human Warrior…or maybe he’s a Night Elf…Hard to tell with that Helm
Turn Ons: Following Zeb Around, His new Icier Barbed Spear, Ornithology and Night Elf Transcendentalist Authors.
Turn Offs: Whatever Zeb doesn’t like, dying, His Helm…

Exterior: Hillsbrad area – just off the road from Tarren Mill –
Atmosphere: Early evening, insects are out, the sound of a Schlitz Malt Liquor can popping open

Zeb: eh – Clevis – wouldyalookit that…a whole flock o’ them Blood Elf noobies running for the ‘mill…

Clevis: Aye – I see ‘em – beeyootiful aren’t they – like a bunch of scarlet tanagers they are – all red and black and jumping around…

Zeb: …Tanagers? What’s Tanagers?

Clevis: Tanagers are birds, Zeb – brilliant little multi-colored birds from the family Thraupidae – I used to see them in STV all the time.

Zeb: (working the action on his rifle) Birds are they? Well I bet I can kill the lot of that shiny mess with one good multi-shot…

[Zeb guns the last of his long neck malt liquor down, belches, and promptly smashes the can against his helm]

Zeb: We gotta bet? The last of that gnomish brew in cans is calling to me and I’ll be having it if I can drop those three in one shot.

Clevis: [disapointed they’re not talking about birds – but game for a bet] – Sure thing Zeb – the last beer says you can’t drop em all before they get inside the mill.

Zeb: Right – Hey You Blood Elf Wussies! Run faster if you don’t want to feel the load o’ my mighty canon on your rounded backsides!

[Cut to the three harried level 20 Blood Elves furiously sprinting towards the safety of Tarren Mill.  They see the fallen bodies and scattered skeletons of dozens of their horde bretheren laying in pathetic piles. The bodies are a wreck of flesh and buckshot ruin.  The elves put their heads down and pile on the speed]

[Atmosphere] A Thunderous BOOM from Zeb’s rifle – flash of the multi-shot arcing out towards the three runners…

Zeb: HAW! Got em! Did you see tha’ Clevis? Like blasting a watermelon from thirty paces. That Blood Elf hunter din’ know what hit her! I’ll be havin the last of the canned ale I will.

Clevis: No – no you got the first two in one shot – but you dropped that Paladin with your autoshot right afterward. That’s two shots. The last beer is mine.

Zeb: Bah – fine – pigs-swill anyways [Fires off another shot] One of ‘em was twitching…

[Atmosphere] The sound of a beer tab being popped followed by rapid chugging – a very human burp – and the sound of a can being flattened against a broad forehead.]

Clevis: … ouch …

Zeb: Mind you put yer helm on ‘afore doing that next time

Clevis: right…

Okay – I agree – that was a cheap post.  Sorry – long day at work and not a lot of energy >_<  I’ll do better tomorrow.  Promise…


4 Responses to “This is PvP?”

  1. Game Dame January 15, 2009 at 20:34 #

    I enjoyed it! Very amusing… I just wish there’d been a couple of horde 80s around — undead and orc? — to see just how drunk Zeb was… 🙂

  2. Capn John January 27, 2009 at 15:55 #

    That would be one form of PvP, yes 😉

  3. moomajick January 28, 2009 at 15:21 #

    I gotta say I love story posts. Nice.

  4. Morane February 2, 2009 at 22:01 #

    I’m pretty sure I’ve met Zeb … several times.

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